Just hold on...

I know I've got a lot to learn, but still waiting for my turn... To live out all my dreams, but so far away they seem. At times I have my doubts, sometimes I wanna scream and shout and just throw my hands up in the air and tell the world I no longer care.
Love, Tina La Rosa Wheeler

Dear God....

I feel the need to speak with you, for shamefully I've barely said a word to you. Forgive me, for I have sinned, I wanted to start over but didn't know where to begin. Today, I am heavy hearted. I feel not appreciated or maybe just not important in the eyes of others. I feel at this present moment unworthy. I just feel trapped in limbo. No matter the efforts or the good intentions I always try to have, things always turn around to kick me down. And for what? Because I care so much? If that is the case then maybe I shouldn't care anymore. Sometimes the big and loving heart you have so blessed me with dear lord carries quite the burden on me. I want to replace it at times with a heart that's stoned cold. Then maybe I wouldn't be so affected by life's letdowns. God, I want to give up everything. Forgive me for feeling this way. But right now I'm a hurting soul. I try to forget my pain often and be strong for others that are in despairs as I have been. I don't ever want to be selfish to the point that other's feelings are irrevelant to my own. I know that what I'm feeling is nothing compared to others because as I've learned that someone out there has it worse. But I'm human Dear God. I hurt to. I never mean to cause you disappointment, for I, to have been disappointed and sometimes I act it out in the wrong way. Dear God, please help me. Please lead me. Please Guide me. Please speak to me. I may not have done all I can, but I need you to help me STAND. I love you.

Your Daughter,
Tina

The inability of my tears

Over the years I've experienced great pain and disappointment. Being disappointed seems to have become second natured in my life. Sometimes when we've been hurt more times than we can count we develop a defense mechanism to keep anyone or anything from causing further pain. At times it will come across as cold or distant. What I have developed in all the dismays in my life is a numbness and inability to cry. When I feel the emotions building up and the tears cover my eyes I begin to suppress them. In my mind crying never solves anything. I don't like for people to see me at a vulnerable state. It has been years since I've cried my heart out which would explain the constant stress and tension I carry that causes most of my migraines. It's just too much emotional buildup inside of me and my body is trying to tell me to RELEASE it so that I may be set free, but the stubborn side of me just won't allow it. The last I cried the most was last March 2011 when I did something from the heart for someone and was overlooked for it. It tore me apart because I only operate from the heart. So after that incident I packed away the tears and said never again. Has it gotten so bad that now I am unable to feel for myself? I feel for others all the time, but for me it's impossible. The inability of my tears is from years of depression, heartache and more letdowns than I can count. As of late I've been slowly releasing tears. Nothing too heavy, but as light as the mist of the rain. I think God is slowly pushing it out of me because the buildup of emotions are starting to really weigh hard on me. My advice to anyone in this predicament is I understand how and why you feel this way. I've been there, done that and still in the midst of it. Allow your emotions to be shown. Vulnerability isn't a sign of your weakness. It is a sign of your strength. Although I haven't been able to reach the point of fully releasing my pain through my tears, I am at a breaking point where someday out of nowhere they will come so fast that I will not have enough time to suppress them. Your body can only hold so much for so long.

My love I leave with you,
Tina