The inability of my tears

Over the years I've experienced great pain and disappointment. Being disappointed seems to have become second natured in my life. Sometimes when we've been hurt more times than we can count we develop a defense mechanism to keep anyone or anything from causing further pain. At times it will come across as cold or distant. What I have developed in all the dismays in my life is a numbness and inability to cry. When I feel the emotions building up and the tears cover my eyes I begin to suppress them. In my mind crying never solves anything. I don't like for people to see me at a vulnerable state. It has been years since I've cried my heart out which would explain the constant stress and tension I carry that causes most of my migraines. It's just too much emotional buildup inside of me and my body is trying to tell me to RELEASE it so that I may be set free, but the stubborn side of me just won't allow it. The last I cried the most was last March 2011 when I did something from the heart for someone and was overlooked for it. It tore me apart because I only operate from the heart. So after that incident I packed away the tears and said never again. Has it gotten so bad that now I am unable to feel for myself? I feel for others all the time, but for me it's impossible. The inability of my tears is from years of depression, heartache and more letdowns than I can count. As of late I've been slowly releasing tears. Nothing too heavy, but as light as the mist of the rain. I think God is slowly pushing it out of me because the buildup of emotions are starting to really weigh hard on me. My advice to anyone in this predicament is I understand how and why you feel this way. I've been there, done that and still in the midst of it. Allow your emotions to be shown. Vulnerability isn't a sign of your weakness. It is a sign of your strength. Although I haven't been able to reach the point of fully releasing my pain through my tears, I am at a breaking point where someday out of nowhere they will come so fast that I will not have enough time to suppress them. Your body can only hold so much for so long.

My love I leave with you,
Tina

"A Dream but not a dream"...

As I awake in the morning realizing I must let you go, There's an aching in my heart
as the tears slowly flow.

It's hard to face another day having this dream that will never take place.

I walk around with a deep and profound sting in my heart, But no one knows for I only
display it in the dark.

Yet another dream of mine that will never touch reality has vanished in the wind...
guess I'll have to start over and dream again.

I'll always love and adore you, That I'll never deny. but realities knocking at the door, So
now I must say my good-byes.

Poetry by:
Tina La Rosa

"Melodic Melanie"

I know your life's been a winding road, ups and downs, highs and lows.
You just can't seem to crawl your way out....Sometimes you just have to believe and leave behind the doubt. At times you feel alone like no one understands---now change your I can'ts to I can. You are never alone...God will never forsake you, and like God I will see you through.

It's ok to cry, for it free's the pain and releases a sigh---Of relief to set your soul free.
If you stick with me Iwill help you see the light is there waiting to shine upon you to remind you that with God there's nothing you can't do.

To my sweet and dear friend Melanie Jeffrey A.K.A @Levyronni77

my love I leave with you,
Eternally,
Tina

"Personality Disorders"

Have you ever been friends with someone that you just didnt quite understand? Have you been around someone whose personality was like that of a 4-way street? It's like one minute their this way and the next minute their acting another way. These kinds of people make it hard to hold a relationship with them. This behavior I believe is a Personality Disorder that often develops from early childhood trauma. Maybe it was from lack of companionship or a feeling of abandonment and or neglect. There are many types of Personality Disorders. One of which is the most common is "Narcissism". Narcissistic behavior is the most extreme amongst other Personality or mental disorders. For example, an Extreme Narcissicist falls in love with themselves and put themselves above others. Their mentality is they're not like anyone else. Theyre always right, you're wrong. Narcisistics will use a person(s) for what they can get from them at that time or what will benefit them at that particular moment. As soon as they have gotten what they want from you, they will drop you like a hot potato and act as if they never knew you. If you tell a Narcissistic they have wronged you or hurt your feelings prepare to have a non-reaction of them because they are unable to empathize with the needs and emotions of others. If you try to reach out to such a person and offer help, they will exclude you from their life, ignore you or disregard you altogether. Their only concern is of themselves. Narcisistics are unable to hold permanant, long-term relationships because of their destructive and mysterious behavior. If you have nothing to offer or if you dont constantly feed their ego, they label you as "Unsafe" and want nothing else to do with you. Narcisissm is a personality and mental disorder that started from childhood and they over time will develop a Fake persona of who they would like to be seen as rather than it be known who they really are. They will avoid personal questions and side-track you to make you forget the question you asked. They have low self-esteem, are insecure, weak and vulnerable, but will often display a "Tough Guy" attitude as a "Defense Mechanism" to keep from getting hurt again. Trauma in early childhood development causes alot of this behavior in a Narcissistic. They do not like criticism because it puts them in a Childlike mode of feeling unworthy or unaccepted and will disband you from their life. This behavior often causes heartache and pain for those close to them but they are unable to see that because their brains are not positioned to grasp their affect on the people around them. They have a fear of being hurt so they guard their hearts and keep most people who try to get close to them away. They have a huge issue with trusting others and would rather run and avoid their problems than face them. Why? Because it takes them back to the very thing they are running away from. I, to have dealt with a Narcissistic and I was put through pure hell because I didnt have an understanding at that time of what the problem was with that person till I started studying up on personality disorders and discovered by dealing with this person that they had this personality disorder. Its darn near impossible to befriend such a person of this stature and wish anyone luck out there who are or yet to experience the wrath of a narcissistic. Beware! They can be dangerous to your health. I have APD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) It's a person who would rather be alone than amongst a crowd. Someone who also, like the Narcissistic doesnt like or allow too many people to get too close to them. Maybe because of what I endured during my early childhood. I find solice in myself and I am my own best friend. I am a trustworthy, honest, caring, easy to talk to and a funny person, but when it comes down to it I'd rather be alone. It's easier that way and I'm comfortable with it. As soon as someone, mainly men start to get too close I freeze up and push them away. This comes from the abuse I saw men do to women so many times times during my childhood and I kind of view men as "Unsafe" to me. In time I will seek therapy for this part of me because it has posed many problems in my life. I hope I have shined some light on those in the dark about people with Personality Disorders. I hope I have educated some of you out there.

To my lovers,
Always,
Tina

'Wounded Woman"

Here I am again with yet another blog entry on a topic that so aggressively concerns me. ....Woman who have been sexually, mentally and physically abused. Some women of this stature are known for having stand offish or promiscuous behavior. In many cases, these sorts of females feel unworthy and somehow feel they dont deserve "The Best" from a guy. Women sometimes feel that because they had to endure this type of abuse from a man that somehow they "Deserved it" and it must have been something they did wrong to deserve it. Let me set something straight ladies; nothing you could ever do or say that you deserve to be abused in any way, shape or form. No woman deserves to be beaten. never feed into the lies your mind is telling you that you deserved it or you're unworthy. You are a beautiful queen and deserve to be happy and treated with the upmost respect. Another fine example, Women who have been sexually abused or taken advantage of somehow adopt the mentality that dont deserve a good guy or anything good of that matter and develop low self esteem and a low level of confidence sometimes acting out sexually if you catch my drift. But ladies if you don't love and respect yourselves, How can you possibly think a man would? You attract what you give off to them. If you're "Easy", then rest assure a guy will attract that and expect to get in, get off and move on from you. That's not wise to just give your body away to any man you meet. It's your life to live, but I am terribly concerned for my sisters out there with this type of behavior. No one can help you but yourselves. A person can offer all the help in the world to you or talk their necks off trying but unless you want the help theyre just blowing out hot air and wasting precious time that could be well spent on other things. I have recently learned from this type of experience that I cant make someone hear me out and I cant make someone want my help. I can't push myself on anyone. It isnt fair to the other individual. Sisters, stand strong and believe more in yourselves. Know that you are worthy of true love, honor and respect. Know that you are somebody special and If anyone tells you differently then you know these are people that need to be eliminated from your life. You need positive people in your life that will uplift you, not bring you down. Stop excepting abuse from these men who don't even deserve you in the first place. Ladies, dry your eyes, hold your head up, be strong and take control of your lives. There's a whole new world out there for you to explore. It's all up to you. I love you all.

Your sister in Christ,
My love I leave with you,

Tina La Rosa

" A second once in a lifetime"

Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson & Cheryl Burke

Mona Lisa & Ceasar

We live in a world where there is no love anymore. In relationships we lack communication which is the core of many marriages and relationships thrown away at the first sign of trouble. Some relationships have no hope and are not meant for permanant purposes. But has it ever occurred to you that all some relationships need is a little tender-loving conversation? You'd be surprised at what you can accomplish and learn simply by communicating. Communicating helps to understand what is going on in the other persons mind and helps to build a better understanding and respect for one another. Some relationships deserve second chances. I know, I know that second chances don't always work out unless both parties come to realize and make a "Solid" decision" to make the neccesary changes needed to build a better and trusting union. You can't go into a relationship a second time around expecting things to change if you haven't first changed the old habits that caused a rift in the relationship to began with. Everything in life is about the choices we make. Life is one big decision we place on ourselves. Anything in this lifetime can get accomplished simply by making a "Decision" to change what needs to be changed and accept what we can not change. What I meant by some relationships deserve second chances is that some are faced with challenges in the beginning that hinders the relationship to grow. Sometimes its a fear we carry that bombards our mind when going into a new union. Some fears such as not feeling good enough for that person or low self-esteem or fear of infidelity or maybe even some childhood trauma that damaged your trust in a man/woman. It could be a number of things. But if there is someone out there you were once involved with that you cared so very much for but obligations and personal hang-ups tore you apart, then I think that makes you a candidate for "A second once in a lifetime". what you once had before was something special and rare and you felt something you never quite felt for anyone before. Remember, you could be in love a million times but at some point in your life you will meet someone who will make you feel special in a way no other person has ever made you feel. Maybe that union was only for a season or maybe for a lifetime. But you wouldn't know it if you didn't give it a chance. I'm speaking to some lovers out there and I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Don't let your fears keep the walls around your heart from experiencing "True Love." Don't ever find yourself looking back and wondering. That is torture in itself and you deserve true happiness. Let's try working on saving love instead of taking it for granted and throwing it all away. Love is a powerful thing and even more powerful when we share it and embrace it. Sometimes relationships end so abruptly that it leaves behind the residue of what was and sometimes takes talking face to face to resolve and move forward. Are you that someone caught in a situation like this? A wise little lady once quoted in a book of hers that she would always have a "Soft Spot" in her heart for a lover she was once involved with and that she knows he feels the same way about her. Hmmm, things have changed I know, but sounds to me that there is still a substantial amount of love and respect she still carries for this individual. Maybe, there is "A second once in a lifetime" in the near future for them. What do you think of that Mona Lisa? *Wink*

from the truest depths of my heart,

my love I leave you,

Tina La Rosa

"Rest Lil Angel" To: Caylee

Rest lil' angel you don't have to suffer anymore, for now you lay in peace with the one we adore. How could a monster kill and throw you away? Oh, precious angel they will have their day...Where pain & suffering shall paralyze their every step, not one single tear was shed, not even a wept.

Rest lil' angel, you are where you need to be....No one could ever hurt or harm you again...Heaven is where your new life began. Angels don't belong in the devil's earth, so God called you home 2 yrs after your birth. Justice wasn't served for you, but they will have their time. Remember God said, "Vengeance is mine." Rest lil' angel.


Dedicated to Caylee Anthony(Lil' angel of God)


Poem written by : Tina La Rosa